Gymnasium

I am surrounded by Ken dolls, Ryan Seacrest wannabes, and New Years Resolutionaires...

The Ken dolls are on the weights, the wannabes are on the elliptical and the resolutionaries... well, they're trying.

And then there is me...
A white, skinny, scrawny guy looking to gain some muscle.

I'm not a Ken doll, not really a wannabe, I'm sort of a resolutionist... but not really.

When I enter this sanctuary of masculinity, I feel everyones eyes shift onto me and not in the way that the Ken dolls or the wannabes get looked at.

I feel like I'm being dissected. Perhaps, they too are wondering where my social standing is in their domain...
As I stand next to the track, I stretch out my weak, skinny limbs.
I catch a few glances from Ryan on the elliptical and Ken on the bench press...
Are they judging or are they attracted to me...?

I can never tell.

I finally approach the track, take a deep breath and I begin a steady jog.
My legs may be steady, but my mind is cycling through a slew of worries.
"Don't trip, keep a steady pace, don't slow down..."

If it makes me so uncomfortable, why do I still feel the need to come here...?

I look around and I realize that, even though I may be judged, analyzed and silently criticized...
We're all here for the same reason...

To become more desirable...

They can judge me all they want, but in the end, we mutually share a need to go there every day...

We're all running on this hedonistic treadmill

A Poem From a Friend

I wanted to share a poem that a friend of mine had written:

*Notice* Explicit language used. :P

People look and they judge.
Can you blame me?
I feel good.
I feel fine.

You're as light as a bird
Weightless
Feather weight
Easy boozer

You can never judge
A person for the way they feel
They may appear to be a feather weight
But you never know the way they feel

One drink, two drink
Three drink, four...
Buy me another round
But don't call me a whore

A whores live is living at the bars
Hoping to forget the life
The life that fucked him,
Screwed him

Used him like a piece of meat, he did
Like he wasn't human
Too many times I've found myself
At the bottom of a bottle

Bottle feed me those lies
I'm your baby
Baby, don't hurt me
Please I'm yours

Your life sucks and mine does too
Shoo, I don't want your shit
Just take another hit
But please be gentle because I know you're lit

Stare down a barrel that is being held
By maybe God, maybe Satan
Should we name him Leighton?
I can't take this faking.

Ma, I hope your glad
For raising a son
Rather having none you never had a say
In whether or not he was gay

So say if you'd take it back
Have a daughter, you know you oughta,
It's just a real big gag
Raising a fag

So when I drink, feel free to think
I'm just a light weight
I'm just a frustrated mate
Who isn't straight

I've got a shit load of problems
But I know no one can solve them.
Call me a light weight, go ahead
and try it.

Put the bottle to my head and let the suffering end.

The Long and Winding Road

One HUGE thing you should know about me... is that I love metaphors.

If you stop to think about how people perceive our lives, many think of one metaphor:

"The Long and Winding Road"

It's beautiful, isn't it?

For some people, their own paths have lots of twists and turns, down branches and other obstacles that stand in their way. Others have gentle slopes, beautiful rivers and wonderful scenery to enjoy.

Anyway you look at it, each person has a different path... but most importantly, it's how they handle the obstacles on that path.

This blog, is about the journey down my own long and winding road... Yeah, it's cliche` (sort of dramatic) but I like it and I want to share the experience as I live through it.
Throughout my life, my road has been filled with twists and turns, ups and downs, and sure... a few branches were thrown down in my way... and at some moments... possibly my lowest moments, I felt that I was going through my journey alone...

But I wasn't.

I was always able to regroup, able to cut down the branches in my way and still have time to enjoy the scenery around me...

Yeah, that sounded a little corny.

What I'm trying to say, is that my life has thrown me a lot of obstacles and I guess, in a way, I've always impressed myself how I get through it. Though, I wished I would have been able to document it and have a way to look back on it and say "Wow, I've grown so much since then..."

So this is where it begins...

I'm entering a very important stage in my life that I really feel I should document... not in an attempt to be pretentious, to be funny or to get myself any kind of attention... I truly want to share my life with the rest of the world, so I can eventually... take a step back and artistically and analytically look back on my life and say...

"Wow..." 

I want to document my dreams, my goals, what's happening, where I'm going, what challenges I'm facing... I want to record it all into one funny, tragic, happy, sad, beautiful story... and it will all be my own. 

Somewhere in time, I'm going to thank myself for doing this. 
To grow as an artist, as a filmmaker and as a human being... I believe that I need to watch myself grow first. 

And it all starts now...